


Like Oxygen

by Ink_Gypsy



Category: LOTR RPS
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-28
Updated: 2010-02-28
Packaged: 2017-10-07 15:12:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/66359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ink_Gypsy/pseuds/Ink_Gypsy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While Elijah sleeps, Sean agonizes over him, worried that he's not doing enough to prove his love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like Oxygen

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Keye](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keye/gifts).



Elijah is crying in his sleep.

He's done it three times in the last few months, three times that I know of, and who knows how many other times that I don't. Times I didn't notice because I was too tired. Or too involved in Lava paperwork. Or trying to lose myself in the book I was reading in bed. Or had God knows what else on my mind instead of him.

Elijah always falls asleep right after we make love. He snuggles up against me and drops off immediately, like a happily-exhausted child after an all-day outing who must be carried to the car and then sleeps all through the ride home. I used to drop off right after him -- having a much-younger lover takes a lot out of you -- or maybe I'd read for a little while. But since the first time I heard Elijah cry in his sleep, I've been forcing myself to stay awake, propping myself up on one elbow so I can look down at him, watchful, waiting.

I didn't think it possible, but he's even more beautiful in sleep. And even more childlike. As I watch him sleep, I don't think I've ever felt more content. Then I hear him whimper. See his security thumb move up to rest against his slightly-parted lips. Watch the tears leak out from under those long lashes. Each teardrop is like an arrow piercing my heart, so painful that I have to take him in my arms and rock him. I'm always gentle, making sure I don't wake him, and eventually the crying stops.

I've heard a very young Elijah call out _"Daddy!"_ in his sleep, so I know he still dreams about his father. I don't think he'll ever get over that betrayal, but tonight I heard _"Seanie!"_ with that same desperation, and I can't get it out of my head that Elijah is afraid I'm going to abandon him the same way Warren did.

Elijah's accomplished so much in his young life, and even though he's seemingly more mature than most young men his age, when it comes to feeling worthy of love, I think that inside he's still an insecure little boy. I was so sure that things would be better after I left Christine and moved in with him. It's been a year, and I thought by now that Elijah's insecurities would have disappeared, that he'd finally let go of his fear that I was going to leave him. I thought it had already happened, but I shouldn't be surprised I didn't know it hasn't. His acting talent on screen was something I admired about Elijah long before I ever met him. It wasn't until after I knew him that I learned he's an even better actor off-screen.

The first time I heard Elijah cry like this I didn't even realize he was asleep. When I heard the small sobs, I thought I'd done or said something wrong. Or worse, that I hadn't said or done something I should have. My next thought -- and this one caused a sudden, sharp pain in my chest -- was that I'd hurt him when we made love.

Elijah had been away on a photo shoot for two weeks. Being away from him for more than a few days gives me time to brood, to obsess over how much time apart our careers cost us, so when he stepped through the front door, exhausted from his trip, I carried him upstairs to our bed, not giving him time to protest. My hunger for him was so great, my need so primal that I dispensed with the niceties, handling him so roughly that I knew I'd leave bruises. Once the urgency had passed, after I'd filled his body and lay panting, waiting for my strength to return, I had apologized.

Elijah had looked up at me, face flushed and hair slick with sweat and asked, "What are you apologizing for?" Then he smiled that Sexy Lijah smile and told me that he liked this new, forceful Sean, that I should let him come out and play more often. I said I would, but it was an empty promise. Using Elijah like that felt wrong, and I decided then and there that this new Sean -- however exciting Elijah might find him -- would not be making another appearance in our bed any time soon.

When I heard his sobs that night I asked, "You okay, Lij?" and when I got no response, I ran my finger down his cheek and felt the wetness. Then I heard him whimper, felt him tremble, and realized he hadn't answered because he was locked inside some terrible dream. I think on some subconscious level, hearing him cry that night hurt me because it proved there was a part of Elijah that he still kept hidden from me. That a place still existed where I couldn't keep him safe from harm.

It's not like I've never seen Elijah cry. The first thing I noticed about him was that he wasn't afraid to show his emotions. Need waterworks for a dramatic scene? No problem, PJ, Elijah can deliver the goods and make you believe it. He can give you real tears, no artificial stimuli required. And when someone thoughtlessly hurts his feelings, those tears are real, too. Maybe more real than the others because whoever hurt him was someone he considered a friend.

Early on during filming in New Zealand, Dom surprised me by saying, "You know, Sean, our boy wears his heart on his sleeve." He was _our_ boy long before he was _my_ boy. I don't think there was a member of the cast or crew who didn't want to either fuck him or adopt him, but I won the coveted prize. Was awarded it with love when Elijah chose to be with me. I don't know what surprised me more about Dom's observation, the fact that he could quote Shakespeare, or that he was perceptive enough to recognize this trait in Elijah. Why had I thought I was the only one who noticed it?

I'm the complete opposite. I once heard someone on set refer to me as _The Ice Man_, although I'm sure I wasn't meant to hear it. I didn't take offense. I cried enough tears before I was even out of my teens to last a lifetime, thank you. So I've purposely kept my emotions in check since I reached adulthood.

Except for my brother Mac, Elijah's the only one I've ever let see me cry offscreen. And only once, the first time we made love. Finding that connection I'd been looking for my whole life had been so profound, so overwhelming, that I had broken down in his arms. His hands had stroked my face, and as he kissed away my tears he'd whispered, "It's okay, Seanie. You don't have to be strong for me."

He knows why I'm so guarded about my personal life, knows that my troubled childhood, as well as Mac's, was put on public display by our mother, without our permission and without any consideration for how it might effect us. I know Elijah would never try to change me or force me to open up about my feelings more than I'm able. He understands, and he lets me be. But while I keep my feelings private, Elijah's a totally different story. To him, emotion is like oxygen, and he's never embarrassed to let people see him breathe.

The first time I saw Elijah, he brought out my protective instincts. Not surprising since on the day I met him he vaulted into my arms, forcing me to catch him in a great hug to keep him from falling. The feelings that surfaced that day, my overwhelming need to protect Elijah and keep him safe, were what helped me to become such a believable Sam to his Frodo. They enabled me to give the best performance of my career, and for that, I'll always be grateful to him.

Even though the lines didn't belong to Sam, when I held Elijah that first time, I found myself making Aragorn's promise. _If by my life or death I can protect you, I will._ And I've tried, as much as I'm able. Even Aragorn wielding Anduril couldn't fight whatever demons haunt Elijah's dreams, but if it takes the rest of my life, I'll make him feel secure in my love for him.

Watching Elijah cry in his sleep, seeing him so utterly vulnerable, has brought me close to tears again tonight, but I hold them back. I still refuse to appear weak in his eyes, even when he can't see me. I reach over and gently move a strand of his hair so I can place a soft kiss on his temple. Elijah whimpers, then rolls over to face me, tucking his head under my chin.

I wrap my arms around him and hold him close, and even though I know he won't hear me, I still need him to know what I'm feeling. "Let me be your hero, Lijah," I whisper into his hair. "I promise I won't let you down."


End file.
